Claustrophobia (part 1)

She reached out her hand, trying to reach for the Sun. But no luck. The place was cramped, small, dark and humid. She tried to remember how it was she got there. But no luck. Everything was hazy. Her head hurt. Her cheek felt swollen and there was this taste of blood in her mouth. All she could remember was that she got drunk again.

Truth be told she enjoyed drinking. She enjoyed the euphoria that came with losing one’s self. Everyone around her told her to stop, to think about her life, her health, her beauty. But she loved drinking. She loved the dizziness, she loved the courage she got from alcohol, she loved the way people were looking at her. Some were looking at her with predator eyes, they saw an easy target. A drunk girl, ready to do anything. Easy to hook, easy to take home, easy to dump. A one night stand. But little do they know that was exactly what she wanted. Sex was always a taboo subject in her family but she was a smart girl. She learned the ropes. She was no longer a virgin at the age of 16. Sure, her first time was bad. It hurt, it was messy and she had no clue what to do. But she liked it and wanted more. With her looks getting boys was easy. Having them let go however…well that was hard. They fell in love with her. They wanted more and more and more. But she only wanted sex. She only wanted euphoria. She never felt more. She never saw them for more than objects that she could use to please herself. She always thought of men as sex toys. Things you use to pleasure yourself. But she didn’t like actual toys. They didn’t have the smell of men, they didn’t sweat, they didn’t bite, they didn’t kiss and they didn’t tease. Men are better. Way better. But getting rid of men was the biggest problem. Until she found out about one night stands. No feelings, no emotions, just pleasure. Well … not always. Sometimes they were so bad that she didn’t feel anything. She was a nymphomaniac and she knew it. She was a junkie and she knew it. She was an alcoholic and she knew it. But she didn’t care. Why should she? It was her life, not the life of those around her. She could do whatever she pleased and she couldn’t care less for what people thought about her.

She tried to stretch her hand again. To get up. But the place was too small. She could barely move her arms a bit. Up and down. The walls were cold, and they felt wet. The air smelled like old wood combined with dirt, sweat and her perfume. No matter how hard she tried she couldn’t remember how she got here, or where she was. Or what exactly happened last night.

Has a day passed yet? Or maybe it’s been just an hour. Or maybe it was a week. Time doesn’t seem to move when you’re lying still. Time doesn’t work in the darkness.

Her room was all messed up. She woke up at 3 pm when Rachel, her roommate, came home from her studies. Slamming doors, throwing bags, talking on the phone. Rachel never cared she was not alone in the apartment. She always did what she pleased. She was selfish. But she had to put up with Rachel. After all, she was the one paying the rent. When she spent all her money on drinks or drugs and had nothing, Rachel always paid. She came from a rich family so money was never a problem.

The door slam woke her up. Mascara on the pillow, messy hair, bits of food on her t-shirt and an empty bottle of bourbon on the floor. Another long night. She went straight for the bathroom and crawled up under the shower. The running warm water felt good. It was gently patting her head, her shoulders and her back. She felt aroused just by the touch of water. She giggled as she thought about how much of a pervert she was. The water felt really nice. She probably spent more than 40 minutes just laying down in the tub and letting the water run down on her and caress her. Until her roommate knocked and said she wanted to take a shower as well. She went outside, naked and lazily walked towards her room. She never tried being with a girl but she always considered that if there were a time when she would feel like switching sides, her roommate would most definitely be top of the list. She always felt some sort of attraction for this weird, nerdy girl. She craved her. She wanted to touch and be touched by her. That is why she paraded naked around there, she was just waiting for a small gesture anything at all and she’d jump on her immediately. But her roommate never returned her glances. Never hinted she wanted anything. She never had men rejecting her but this girl…this girl that she really desired…she always rejected her.

She tried to move again. There was no way she could move in that cramped place. All she could do was feel the walls around her. She stared wondering who could pull a prank like this and when will it stop. Her legs were starting to go numb but when she tried to move them she hurt her knees on the top of this place she was in.

 

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